Feelings of hurt are one of the most common feelings in human relationships whether it be personal or professional.
Firstly, it is very important to understand that all negative/uncomfortable emotions have some higher purpose. They are there to serve us in some form, not to harm us. I like to call them Indicators.
The purpose of these emotional indicators is to direct our attention towards something that requires some action or some change.
Even though it might apparently be painful and discomforting, the core intent behind negative emotions is positive.
These indicators are there to drive us to make some beneficial changes either in our lives or our mindset and behavior.
To be able to take benefit from this and understand what this particular emotion of “hurt” is trying to tell us, it is important that we keep a curious and open-minded attitude, and avoid the stubborn, self-pity, blaming behavior in which people become determined to take the stance of a victim or defend their ego.
Such a state of mind is never productive and only causes more pain.
Take this as an example. When we get a cut on our finger. Our body produces pain signals to bring that cut into our conscious attention so that we do something about it.
If we were to take a stubborn approach and not pay attention to it, it will only get worse, won’t it?
Even after we pay attention, instead of doing something about it, we just sit and keep on crying over it and feel pity, that won’t help either, would it?
The most productive approach would be to first do something to heal it.
Maybe you might want to visit a doctor if needed. You might also want to take the “cause” into consideration so that you learn a lesson and avoid getting cut next time.
So What Does The Feeling Of Hurt Indicate?
Feelings of hurt come from some form of a sense of loss. A loss of something we might have expected from a person, consciously or unconsciously.
It can be a loss of trust, loss of closeness, loss of rapport and connection, loss of respect, etc. varying from situation to situation.
This feeling of hurt indicates that the expectations that we had from someone have not been fulfilled.
We trusted someone by unconsciously expecting them to be a certain way but what they did was against what we expected.
We respected someone and that person didn’t meet the standards we expected from them in our minds.
We expected to have a deep connection with someone but that person didn’t meet the criteria we had of having a deep sense of connection.
We felt close to someone but then they did something that didn’t match our mindset and now we feel distant from them.
All these kinds of feelings indicate some sense of loss. So identify what expectations you had of the other person that they were unable to meet. What sense of loss are you having?
This feeling of hurt might be an indication for you that you must change the way you are processing and perceiving that person’s actions or else you will keep on feeling hurt and disappointed.
Maybe it is indicating that you have to be more flexible in your expectations and be more open if things don’t go your way.
What Should I Do Now To Overcome Hurt Feelings?
1) Get a hold of the reality
Well firstly, notice that the sense of loss you might be having is just that, a “Sense”. In reality, you might not be losing anything, and the person might not even be aware that their actions caused you to feel hurt.
Let’s do a small exercise:
Dissociate from yourself for a moment. Imagine stepping outside of your body and then gradually stepping into the body of the other person and view the situation from their perspective.
See from their eyes, hear from their ears, feel from that person’s body and think with their brain.
Notice that maybe that person does not really intend to hurt you but gets caught up in his/her circumstances or thoughts and that is why they act and behave that way.
It will be more beneficial if you do this with your eyes closed and take your time to imagine this clearly.
You might notice that what you were assuming is not the actual matter at all.
Maybe the reality is totally different than what you have been perceiving. It’s totally okay to accept that.
We as humans, often get stuck in our own world of thoughts. Stepping outside of ourselves and dissociating helps us see things from other perspectives and realize other possible realities.
This in-turn adds on to our wisdom and understanding of things.
Settle down, Relax, and pick a good time to talk to that person. A time when he/she too is relaxed and free to talk.
Tell that person what you feel in a soft, wise, and elegant way. Have the patience to listen to their response and be open to respecting their perspective.
Don’t expect an apology or you’ll get hurt again. Instead, set an intention to understand the other person’s perspective, resolve the conflict, and clear the air between you two.
Remember, you’re doing this to let go of the feeling of hurt and move on, NOT to fight over who’s right and who’s wrong.
Processing our thoughts and emotions in a positive and effective way empowers us to make better choices and move on with our lives.
It’s important to realize and remember that most of it is just in our head. When we realize this, it becomes easier for us to see things more clearly, analyze the situation, and come to harmony with our emotions (indicators).
When we operate from a heightened sense of consciousness and self-awareness, we find the solutions and happiness in the midst of all the challenges.
That is why it’s so important to approach our problems and challenges with Curiosity!
You can learn in-depth about How To Develop A Healthy Curiosity here.
Until next time.
A human being dedicated to explore and master deeper human potentials while sharing the wisdom and experiences to help fellow humans bring a positive revolution in their minds and ultimately their lives.