15 Signs You’re a People Pleaser | Kindness vs People Pleasing
Do you often want to be helpful toward other people but then find yourself stuck in a position where you commit to something that is out of your capacity?
Do you try to be kind toward people but end up feeling betrayed or taken advantage of?
People-pleasing can be subtle, and sometimes we may not even realize we’re engaging in this behavior. To help you gain clarity, I have designed this guide on Signs of People Pleasing so you can identify your people-pleasing behaviors and catch yourself midway whenever you get into the tendencies of being a people pleaser.
This guide includes:
- People Pleaser Quiz
- Signs of People Pleasing with Examples
- Difference between Kindness and People-Pleasing
People Pleaser Test
Here’s a quick people-pleaser quiz to help you identify if you are just being kind, helpful, and polite, or if your “nice” behavior is rooted somewhere in people-pleasing tendencies.
Grab a pen and paper, and note down the answers so it is easier to see how you scored at the end.
People Pleaser Quiz:
1. Do you find it hard to say ‘no’ even when you’re overwhelmed with tasks or commitments?
2. Do you often agree with others’ opinions or decisions, even if you disagree deep down?
3. Is your self-worth dependent on the approval and validation you receive from others?
4. Do you go out of your way to avoid conflicts or disagreements, even if it means suppressing your own feelings?
5. Are you afraid that asserting your own needs and desires will lead to rejection or disappointment from others?
6. Do you feel an excessive need to be liked by everyone, even at the cost of your own happiness?
7. Do you often apologize, even when you are not at fault, just to keep the peace?
8. Do you find it challenging to express your true feelings and opinions, fearing it might upset others?
9. Do you find yourself constantly seeking reassurance and approval from others?
10. Do you prioritize others’ needs and desires over your own, even if it causes you distress?
Results:
- If you answered ‘Yes’ to one to three questions: You may exhibit occasional people-pleasing tendencies, which is normal. However, it’s essential to be mindful of these behaviors and set healthy boundaries.
- If you answered ‘Yes’ to four or more questions: You might be struggling with people-pleasing habits that could be impacting your well-being and self-esteem. Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward positive change.
Understanding whether your kindness stems from a genuine place or if it’s a result of people-pleasing tendencies is crucial for personal growth. If you found yourself relating to several statements in this quiz, don’t worry. Awareness is the first step toward breaking free from people-pleasing habits. In the following section, we’ll explore the signs of people-pleasing in more depth, providing valuable insights that help you overcome these patterns and cultivate authentic relationships.
15 Signs of People Pleasing (with Examples)
Identifying people-pleasing tendencies in ourselves can be challenging, especially when these behaviors are deeply ingrained in our habits. In this section, we will look into 15 common signs of people-pleasing through real-life examples.
1. Difficulty Saying ‘No’
People pleasers often struggle with setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ to additional tasks or commitments. This difficulty stems from a fear of disappointing others or being perceived as unhelpful.
Example: Always agreeing to take on extra tasks at work, even when your plate is already full because you fear disappointing your colleagues.
2. Constant Apologizing
Excessive apologizing is a common sign of people-pleasing, driven by the desire to maintain a positive image and avoid any conflict or disapproval from others.
Example: Apologizing excessively, even for minor things like expressing your opinion, to avoid potential conflict with others.
3. Fear of Rejection
People pleasers often prioritize avoiding rejection over expressing their true feelings or opinions, leading to a fear of being disliked or excluded.
Example: Avoiding expressing your true feelings to a friend, fearing they might not like you anymore if you disagree with them.
4. Neglecting Your Needs
People pleasers tend to prioritize the needs of others over their own, neglecting self-care and personal well-being to ensure the comfort and happiness of those around them.
Example: Skipping your lunch break to help a co-worker, despite being hungry and tired, because you prioritize their needs over your own.
5. Overcommitting
The fear of disappointing others leads people pleasers to overcommit, agreeing to multiple tasks or events, even when they are already stretched thin.
Example: Agreeing to attend multiple social events in one evening, even though you’re exhausted because you don’t want to disappoint anyone who invited you.
6. Seeking Constant Validation
People pleasers often seek external validation to feel worthy and accepted. This can manifest in a constant need for approval from others, especially through social media.
Example: Posting every achievement on social media, craving likes and comments to validate your worth.
7. Suppressing Emotions
To maintain a pleasant image, people pleasers may suppress their true emotions, pretending to be happy even when they are experiencing sadness or frustration.
Example: Pretending to be happy and positive even when the behaviors or words of the other person are triggering negative emotions just to maintain a pleasant image in front of others.
8. Difficulty Receiving Criticism
People pleasers often struggle with receiving criticism as it challenges the need for constant approval. They may react defensively or take it personally.
Example: Becoming deeply hurt when someone offers constructive criticism, instead of appreciating the opportunity to grow.
9. Avoiding Conflict
The fear of conflict and negative reactions leads people pleasers to avoid expressing their true feelings or confronting issues, even when it’s necessary for personal growth and authentic relationships.
Example: Ignoring your feelings when a friend consistently disrespects your boundaries, just to keep the peace and avoid confrontation.
10. Too Much Politeness
People pleasers often use excessive politeness and formalities, even in casual settings, to ensure they are perceived as agreeable and accommodating.
Example: Always downplaying your own preferences and deferring to others by saying, “I don’t mind, whatever you prefer,” when deep down, you have a strong preference but are afraid to assert it for fear of being seen as difficult or imposing.
11. Constantly Comparing Yourself
People pleasers may constantly compare themselves to others, measuring their worth against external achievements and fearing they fall short.
Example: Continuously measuring your worth based on how much you do for others, such as constantly comparing your level of generosity, helpfulness, or availability to friends or colleagues, and feeling inadequate if you perceive others as doing more.
12. Putting Others First Always
People pleasers habitually prioritize others’ needs and desires, often at the expense of their own well-being and happiness.
Example: Always letting others choose the restaurant or movie even when you have a preference to avoid any potential disagreement.
13. Feeling Guilty for Self-Care
People pleasers may experience guilt when taking time for self-care, viewing it as a selfish act that could inconvenience or disappoint others.
Example: Feeling guilty for taking a day off to relax and recharge, as you worry about inconveniencing others who might need your help.
14. Difficulty Expressing Desires
The fear of disapproval or rejection may lead people-pleasers to hesitate in expressing their own desires or aspirations.
Example: Hesitating to voice your desires, dreams, or future aspirations in a relationship, fearing your partner might not approve or share the same aspirations.
15. Difficulty Ending Relationships
People pleasers may stay in toxic relationships, enduring emotional pain because they fear hurting the other person by ending the connection.
Example: Remaining in a friendship that drains your energy and makes you unappreciated and unhappy because you fear that ending the relationship will make the other person upset or disappointed, even though you recognize it’s detrimental to your well-being.
Difference Between Kindness and People-Pleasing
At some point, you might have justified your people-pleasing tendencies by calling yourself “too kind”.
To begin making positive changes in your life and relationships you must ask yourself with sheer honesty “Am I kind or am I a people pleaser?”.
A lot of us often confuse people-pleasing with politeness and kind gestures. We must learn to identify and navigate the fine line between Kindness and People-Pleasing
It’s essential to recognize the subtle yet significant differences between genuine kindness and people-pleasing tendencies. Let’s explore these disparities to help you gain a clearer understanding of your behaviors.
1. Intentions Behind Actions
Kindness:
- Genuine kindness comes from a place of empathy, compassion, and a sincere desire to help others without expecting anything in return.
- Acts of kindness are motivated by a genuine wish to make someone’s day better or to alleviate their struggles.
People-Pleasing:
- People-pleasing, on the other hand, is driven by the need for external validation or the fear of rejection.
- People-pleasers often do things for others, not out of genuine care, but to seek approval, and validation, or to avoid conflict and negative reactions.
2. Boundaries
Kindness:
- Kind individuals have healthy boundaries and know when to say ‘no’ when a request conflicts with their own well-being or priorities.
- They understand that setting boundaries is essential for their emotional and mental health and the health of their relationships.
People-Pleasing:
- People-pleasers struggle with setting boundaries because they fear disappointing others or being perceived as selfish.
- They often say ‘yes’ to everything, even at the cost of their own well-being, leading to stress, exhaustion, and resentment.
3. Self-Worth
Kindness:
- Kindness is an expression of self-love. It stems from a secure sense of self-worth and self-compassion.
- Kind individuals understand that their worth is not determined by the approval or opinions of others.
People-Pleasing:
- People-pleasers derive their sense of self-worth from external validation, making them vulnerable to the opinions and judgments of others.
- Their self-esteem fluctuates based on the reactions and responses they receive from those around them.
Distinguishing between genuine kindness and people-pleasing is crucial for your emotional well-being and for creating a healthy balance in your relationships. As you reflect on your behaviors, consider the deeper intentions and motivations behind your actions behaviors.
Always remember that embracing genuine kindness, rooted in self-love and empathy, will lead to more fulfilling and authentic connections not just with others but with yourself as well.
Whereas things done out of people-pleasing tendencies will create some sort of expectation and anxiety, and will always drain you.
How to Overcome People-Pleasing?
I have written a series of articles covering different aspects of people-pleasing, here are a few to get you started:
Did you relate to some of these traits of people-pleasing? I would love to hear from you, so feel free to share your experiences and insights in the comments below.
Talk to you in the next one!
