A Complete Guide To Deal With Jealous People (Based On Psychology)
If you have stumbled upon this guide, chances are you recently had an uncomfortable interaction with someone who showed jealousy towards you and now you want to know exactly how to handle such jealous people.
Maybe you mentioned something about your progress or an achievement, or just how well things have been going for you lately, and all of a sudden you could smell hints of jealousy from them. It may be their expression or lack thereof, or their indirect comments that made you feel uncomfortable.
The fact is, we all, at some point, have not just faced jealous people but also experienced some emotions of jealousy or envy within ourselves as well, even if it’s in its mildest form. So it’s a common and somewhat relatable emotion.
In this guide, we’ll look into the Psychology of Jealousy. What exactly goes on in a jealous person’s mind. And then, based on that psychological analysis, we’ll look into 8 effective ways to help you deal with jealous and envious people while being able to handle such uncomfortable interactions proactively.
(Additionally, If you want to learn about the 11 Major Signs of Jealous and Insecure People, watch this video below)
Envy Vs. Jealousy
Envy and jealousy are closely related terms.
Envy is when you want something that someone else has.
Jealousy is when a person is insecure or afraid that someone might be better than them and might take something away from them.
For example, Tom wants to be acknowledged and be the center of attention in a gathering, but someone comes who might be drawing people’s attention more than Tom. Tom might feel as if that person is taking people’s attention away from him.
In Tom’s mind, his sense of worth is getting threatened by the presence of this newcomer, even though this person might not have done anything against Tom.
Since these two emotions are closely related in terms of the psychology behind them, this guide is useful for both, how to deal with jealous AND envious people.
So What Causes Someone To Be Jealous Of You?
Jealousy is often rooted in personal insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. A person who is deeply fulfilled and truly happy with his/her life would never feel jealous of anyone, nor would they feel insecure about someone else’s growth and well-being.
Now there are varying forms of insecurities and feelings of inadequacy but we’ll look at the general psychology behind jealousy.
The Psychology Behind Jealousy
If someone is jealous of you, it probably means they see something in you that they couldn’t achieve or become.
It could be the smallest of things that could make the other person feel inadequate because they might have some insecurities in that area of life or might have self-esteem issues, even though apparently they might portray themselves as confident.
The Tendency to Compare Themselves To Others
Some people just have a pattern of comparing themselves to others and wanting to be superior and dominant due to their insecurities.
Their sense of self-worth is attached to being better than someone else, so you might find such people trying to prove their worth and dominance or trying to make the other person look inferior so they could feel good about themselves.
Someone Who Is Jealous Might Not Be A Bad Person Overall
Having said that, someone doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad or negative person to feel jealous.
Sometimes certain things indirectly trigger people’s insecurities and weak spots. And in trying to overcome that, they take on a defensive approach to show their worth, or worse, an offensive approach to downplay the other person.
Jealousy Is Not Always About Physical Blessings
We often think that jealousy is linked to physical blessings. If you are financially and professionally better off than someone or you have a great family life or you just have good looks, someone might feel jealous of you. But that is not always the case.
Sometimes even the people who are apparently doing much better than you, would feel jealous of your achievements or just simply feel insecure by your well-being.
That might be because they could see the confidence and courage in you to stand up for your life and follow your calling. Something that they wished they had done in their lives.
They see you doing things that they never did. They see the potential in you and might feel threatened by your progress and growth lest you get ahead of them in the near future.
What Is A Jealous Person Focused On?
People who tend to feel jealous or insecure about others’ progress and well-being, tend to focus on what they don’t have, instead of being happy about others’ happiness or appreciating their achievements.
They instantly compare themselves to others who might be doing better than them in a particular area. Their subconscious mind processes it as “why don’t I have that?” and their mind comes up with a variety of answers to defend their position and identity.
They might then come up with thoughts such as:
“oh he is just privileged and lucky”
“I didn’t have the choices, opportunities, or resources that he/she has.”
“Oh her success is just temporary, it will all be gone soon.”
“Who does he think he is, I’m far better than him in this, this, and this area…”
Such subconscious thoughts might translate into hateful and toxic comments, criticisms, passive aggression, changing the topic of conversation, cross-questioning the other person to find loopholes and weaknesses, and a variety of such toxic behaviors.
Having said all of that, this is not to judge or have negative assumptions about someone. The point is to just take a peek and understand the mindset that breeds jealousy.
If you want to learn about how to spot hidden jealousy in someone, check out the article below in which we’ll look into 11 telltale signs of jealousy and insecurity.
11 Major Signs Of Jealous & Insecure People
Can a Jealous Person Ever Change?
Jealousy is not usually an attribute or a trait. It’s an emotion and the feelings of jealousy can transform in most cases.
By avoiding things that trigger jealousy in someone and changing your approach towards such people who tend to feel jealous of you, you can influence their behavior in a positive way.
The First 5 strategies that we are about to look into below will help you do exactly just that. In the last 3, we’ll discuss what to do when such jealous people don’t change even after you’ve done what you could.
8 Effective Ways To Deal With Jealous People
We just looked into the psychology behind a jealous mindset. Based on that, here are 8 ways to effectively deal with jealous people and quickly recover from such uncomfortable interactions.
1. Empathize With Them
Since now you know the root causes behind jealousy, it is easier to have some empathy for the person feeling jealous.
We never know what might be going on in people’s lives, so give them some benefit of doubt. Maybe they are feeling jealous of your professional progress because things might not be going so smooth for them financially even after working hard, day and night.
They might be feeling jealous of your family life because they are going through a challenging phase in their marriage or having a hard time with their kids.
Maybe they have their own internal insecurities and self-esteem issues and that is why they feel jealous towards you.
Jealousy is essentially a painful emotion to have. So it only fits that we have some empathy for the pain they are putting themselves through before we come to harsh judgments.
2. Avoid Talking About Yourself And Give Them Importance Instead
If you want to take ONE thing from this entire guide, take this.
When you realize someone is feeling insecure or jealous when you talk about your life, just stop talking about yourself. This is surprisingly one of the most common causes of jealousy and insecurity.
Even people who are essential good-hearted can feel insecure if someone is talking too much about themselves.
No matter how good a person is, everybody has their own internal insecurities of some form.
When you talk too much about your successes and well-being, it stimulates an urge in them to prove themselves worthy and important, so they either reciprocate and start showing off their own achievements or begin to downplay and undermine your success so that they don’t feel worthless.
What you must do instead, is to give them importance and let them talk about their life.
Actively listen and engage with them when they tell you how great their vacation went or how amazing their job is. Show excitement and genuine appreciation for them. Be happy in their happiness and you’ll find people feeling comfortable with you, respecting you, and developing good relations with you.
3. Take Their Hateful Comments With A Smile
Silence at the right time can often be a very powerful tool. When someone says something hateful and toxic to you, instead of getting angry or hurt, smile back at them with silence and confidence.
You’ll usually see two responses to your confident silent smile in such scenarios.
- Either you’ll see confusion on their faces since they might be expecting a reaction from you. But when they don’t get what they were looking for, their mind will get scrambled and their pattern will be broken.
- If they don’t have animosity towards you but just showing hints of jealousy because of their own personal insecurities, then you’ll probably see their jealous behavior disintegrate in a couple of minutes or even a few seconds.
4. Address The Matter Head-on
If nothing else works, you can confront the person head-on but in a calm and wise manner. You wouldn’t want to start a fight with them.
If you find someone constantly talking behind your back or passing indirect/passive-aggressive comments towards you, find a time when they are free and somewhat relaxed, and then talk to them regarding this.
Ask them if they have any problems with you or is there anything you did that offended them. Tell them that you want to have good relations with them and their comments or behavior is making it harder for you to be in good terms.
If they are not utterly vindictive or have a deep grudge towards you, they’ll probably disarm and leave their toxic practices and have you in high regard since you handled their negative behavior with such positivity.
5. Do Some Random Acts Of Kindness Towards Jealous People
If the jealous person you are dealing with is one of your friends or family members. Chances are you interact with them regularly. In that case, try doing random favors and acts of kindness towards them.
Kindness has the power to dismantle jealousy and animosity while kindling love and respect in the receiver’s heart.
It will take them by surprise when you do something good for them out of the ordinary since they might not be expecting that, especially from you.
6. Limit Your Interaction With Them Or Remove Them From Your Life
The first 5 strategies were focused on you proactively doing your part to improve your relations with people who show envy or jealousy towards you.
Now after doing all that, you still find them having the same toxic behavior, then it’s better to save yourself from such toxicity and keep a distance from them. They might have strong internal insecurities that make them vulnerable to small little things. In that case, anything you do might make them feel insecure and threaten their worth.
Dealing with such vulnerable and unpredictable people is like walking on eggshells since their jealousy could get triggered by the smallest of actions and gestures. And that can be utterly draining. Being on your toes all the time is not pleasant at all, in fact, it’s mentally and emotionally tiring.
If you can’t completely remove them from your life, let’s say they are your relatives or your co-workers, then be reserved and limit your interaction with them.
When you do have to interact, keep your personal/professional life out of the conversation. Even when they ask about your life, answer briefly and neutrally, then switch the conversation to a more general topic, or better yet close the conversation and move on.
7. Know Who Is Worth Your Time & Energy And Who Isn’t
Knowing when and where to invest your time and energy is one of the most important distinctions you must develop to know with whom you might apply which of these strategies.
You don’t want to be draining your mental and emotional energy on people who seem to be a lost cause. People who don’t hold much value in your life.
If someone plainly dislikes you for who you are, there is no point in trying to please them and exhausting yourself trying to change their minds.
It’s okay to make peace with the fact that some people ARE going to dislike you for no apparent reason. It might be their problem, not yours. They might just have a very negative outlook on life and have a deprived, insecure mindset.
Or it’s just that your values and overall energy does not match with them even though they might be good people generally.
If they are still showing jealousy towards you, even after you’ve made efforts to make peace with them, then they are bringing misery upon themselves by cultivating such behaviors and emotions.
They are doing this to themselves and you don’t have to worry about it anymore since you have done your part.
We cannot change a person who is determined to be unhappy and finds reasons to do so. It’s also difficult to transform someone who has been living all of his/her life unconsciously, unaware of their own thoughts and emotions, and how it is impacting their well-being.
8. Spend More Time & Energy On People Who Genuinely Like You
Certainly, you might have people in your life who like you and are genuinely happy for you. Invest your mental and emotional energy on them. They are the ones who truly deserve your care, attention, and thoughts. Give them a place in your mind and heart while removing anyone who doesn’t deserve to occupy your thoughts and mind space.
No matter what you do in life, there will always be both types of people, ones who like you and genuinely want good for you, and ones who won’t like you at all. It is important that we accept this fact and be in harmony with it.
If someone doesn’t like us or feels jealous of us, it doesn’t take anything away from us, does it? So why sweat over it.
There are so many other positive things and great people out there. Let’s choose to focus our attention on that from now on.
wow! this is a great article infact. I have a brother who hates me because he feels I’m more learned than him just just imagine! but it’s life
Thank you so much for the article! I felt so relieved after reading it. Being jealous by people around me has been an issue bothering me for a long time. I definitely see so many positivities from your article that could turn my negative feelings/experience into something positive. I wish I have read your article earlier! Thank you for sharing your wisdom!!
In my life, there are jealous people talking behind my back, and unfortunately in a malicious way. I am a low-key person that I don’t like showing off what we have but it can’t stop these jealous people from talking about me. My friends explain it is because they are jealous of my appearance, my job, my school, my family, something they can see externally.
For those jealous people, I am not even acquainted with them. IIn fact, they don’t know me well in person but they tend to interpret me in a negative/malicious way because of their personal insecurities, which made me very upset. It is like ‘my reputation precedes me’ and it is not a positive reputation because of these jealous/gossipy people. Sometimes, I have the fear that people have a bad perception of me before they really get to know me or they heard those ‘negative’ comments from jealous people, which makes me very sad.
I want to seek some advice from you. Thank you so much!!
I’m happy that this article helped you in some way. Sometimes, little shifts in perspectives can change our entire experience and what emotions we feel in certain situations.
I can relate to your concern about the people talking behind your back, and also regarding your reputation preceding you. There are things in life that are outside of our control. Since we can’t control those things directly, it’s often not healthy or productive to focus on them too much. It does take a bit of conscious effort to not worry about those things and just accept them, but eventually, the more you do it, the easier it becomes for you.
As for the new people who don’t know you yet and you’re worried that they’ll have a bad perception of you before even getting to know you, well, let them meet you and they’ll know who you really are as a person 🙂 Your own actions and behaviors will always be far superior in impact than others’ gossip about you. So let people experience who you actually are and they’ll see it for themselves. Don’t worry!
Personally, I have a strong faith that if your intentions and actions are good and you are a good person overall. You’ll eventually attract good things in life in the long run. The challenging people and circumstances are often sent to us to make us stronger and resilient, and to teach us the patience and skills to deal with such stuff. But they are not here to stay. You’ll eventually grow so far beyond all of these difficult people and situations that one day when you’ll look back, all the things that once seemed to bother you, will seem petty. You might even smile at them, and find deep satisfaction when you look at where you’ve come in life.
Have faith that things will get better eventually, and better people will enter your life as long as you are growing as a person.
Take care. I hope you have a great day!
What an excellent post about handling jealous people!!!
There are so many blogs and articles on the internet addressing this issue but I’ve found this one to be the MOST helpful and what’s been described here is accurate.
You are right about the unpredictability and walking on eggshells part… I can relate to this well and it’s very exhausting.
I have a toxic relative who is extremely jealous/envious (gets triggered easily) with almost everything I do and has the tendency to lash out at me intensely at random moments and out of the blue! You could say without any reason.
Worst of all she’d deny all of her reactions when confronted. I’ve never felt safe being around this kind of person… She is a lot older than I am so I don’t understand why she’d be so envious of a person who is younger than she is.
My problem here is that she is very close to my mother and is loved by the family. Though they admit that she is very annoying, My parents would get upset with me and call me “unforgiving” that I choose to distance myself from her, not to attend any events she’d be invited in and the decision I’ve made to cut her off in general.
They fail to see that she is like this and would behave this way towards me instead. This person would also do a lot of things to cause a reaction out of me so that she can feel better about herself.
I almost feel trapped here… As my parents can’t relate and feel I have no support system within the family. My relative’s jealous behavior is highly irritating and is completely unnecessary.
There is only so much I could tolerate. I just choose not to ignore it or stay quiet any longer!
What would your suggestions be in this case?
Your blog of this has been incredibly helpful and I just wanted to say a HUGE thank you for putting this up. 😀
Thank you so much for such kind and generous compliments 🙂 I’m glad that you found this guide helpful. I thought a bit about your situation and what I would do if I was in your shoes. Here are a couple of suggestions:
1) First of all, try to get your parents on board. You’ll have to explain to them in a gentle manner, without trying to paint that relative in a negative light. Since your family loves her, it would not be wise to say bad things about her directly because your family will probably side with her since she is the positive one from their perspective, so you’ll become the negative one who keeps complaining. It’s just human psychology, nothing against anybody.
So firstly, find a good timing to talk to your parents about this in a calm and proactive manner. Explain to them that your nature and energy don’t match with that relative, and whenever you guys interact, it just turns out to be a negative one for some reason (don’t blame it on her, just explain in a neutral manner). Then, gently request them to understand your situation and respect your space and freedom to choose to not interact with her. Tell them that it’s for your own mental well-being since interacting with her had been affecting you badly. Make sure that this entire conversation is done from a calm and resourceful place on your part at least. We can’t control how others respond but we can try to make the best from our own approach and behavior.
2) Secondly, there might be times when you’ll have to see that jealous relative at some point since she is close with your family. During those circumstances, try not to engage with her and be a bit reserved. If she tries to push into your buttons then firmly establish your boundaries and personal space in a clear and concise manner, without letting your emotions get the best of you. Remember, the keyword is “Be Proactive”, not “Reactive”. Because when you react, you lose control and the other person gets what they want. Now keep in mind that you might not get immediate results so you’ll have to stick to maintaining boundaries consistently each and every time until her mind is programmed to not enter your space. And even if she doesn’t learn to respect your boundaries (because some people never learn), at least you’ll learn to detach yourself from her and keep her at bay.
I hope this helps. Also, try out and implement the ideas mentioned in the guide and see what works for you. Make God be with you and ease every challenge that comes your way 🙂 Take care!
Hi. My best friend told me today that they are really jealous of me. They explained that it was because I have a great family, friends, grades, work-ethic, and environment. I have everything that they don’t have and I can tell that they are just getting more and more bitter over it. My guess is that they are worried that I am going to stop hanging out with them or something else like that and that is why they brought it up, but I’m not sure. I really want to help them, but one of the problems they face is really low self-esteem. I feel they can get some of the things that I have if they work towards it, but they feel like they can never get there. In the article you said that after trying my best it would be better idea to distance myself from the relationship then waste my energy on someone who just won’t try. I know they care about me though since they spent a good 10-ish minutes trying to cheer me up when I realized my gpa was lower than my sister’s even though I got higher grades than her. I really care about them and I want to see them succeed with me, but I don’t know how to motivate them. None of the points above really talked about what to do if the person is both jealous and cares about you, so I figured that I would leave a message. I hope that you can help me.
-High School Kid
I hope you are well and healthy. I think your friend is dealing with insecurity more than jealousy. What I could gather from your message is that she is a bit possessive about the friendship between you two, and because she could sense that you will eventually out-grow her at some point in life, she is worried she will lose you. The fact is, in our first 30-35 years of life, it is very common to grow apart and move away from a lot of our friends, even the close ones because we are constantly learning, changing, and evolving at a rapid rate. There is nothing wrong with that essentially. Now when you are growing but the person you care about is not willing to grow, in such situations sometimes all you can do is just do your thing and hope that they’ll learn from example. Mostly in life, we can’t make people follow a certain path or way of life. Everyone chooses their own paths on what they want to do with their lives. I too have had such close people whom I care about a lot and who are very dear to me, but whenever I’ve tried to motivate them to grow forward, they seemed uninterested. On the other hand, there were some people who did take my advice and grew miles ahead in their lives, for which I’m very glad. So the point being, everyone has their own fate, and sometimes all you can do is just accept it and make peace with it.
If she doesn’t want to grow, then just accept her as she is. A strange thing that often happens is that when we deeply accept something and make peace with it, that is when they begin to improve and change. Maybe you trying to motivate them is feeding into that insecurity, and once you stop worrying about her future, that might create a better and healthier relationship between you two.
Also, plan out a time when you both are free and relaxed to have a conversation and tell her that you need to talk about something important. Have a thorough conversation with her about all of this. If you think you wanna remain friends with her down the road, then reassure her about it. Tell her that material changes and apparent successes or failures won’t change the friendship. Also talk about the fact that as close and true friends, you both should be happy about each other’s growth. Success won’t grow you guys apart, but insecurities will.
Lastly, I would suggest that if your friendship is turning toxic, then it IS better to create a distance because that might be better for both of you. Sometimes we have to make tough decisions BECAUSE we care about them and because that is better for them and yourself.
I hope this helps you. Take care. May God be with you.
(P.S. The fake email address you put in was funny 😛 )
I’ve never done anything but been nice to them. There’s currently two people in my life right now who i’m convinced hate me but i’ve come to peace with that. Whether it’s finding my books ripped up and thrown on the floor, or whether i’m sitting down completing homework and minding my business and getting called a little pr*ck. Or the constant comparisons and making themselves seem bigger, i just listen to it but don’t react.. still doesn’t stop the jealous stares i get from them or their constant verbal attacks. Although it makes me feel terrible inside i keep quiet on the outside and try to deflect it as much as possible yet it still affects me inside. Any ideas?
I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. There is no justifying this type of behavior that those people are demonstrating. It’s highly likely that you are dealing with people having severe personality disorders and behavioral issues. I don’t have an exact picture of your circumstances due to limited information, but from what you’ve mentioned, I’m guessing they live with you, in that case, I would suggest that you seek towards getting independent and moving out as soon as possible. It’s not an immediate solution and will require some long-term planning but you can do it.
Meanwhile, as you live with them, don’t let them bully you. If you keep tolerating their behavior, they’ll keep doing it. Don’t react, but stand your ground and be firm when it comes to your rights and boundaries. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and it’s your basic human right to be respected.
Having said that, if in any way you feel threatened by them and feel like your safety is at risk, immediately talk to someone who can help you out or seek professional help.
Have faith that things will get better eventually. Wishing nothing but the best for you. Take care.
Thank you so much!! i’m working on getting away from them, in fact things are getting better when i distance myself. My confidence is going up so fast without them in my life and my overall happiness is too 🙂 thank youuuu
I’m really glad to hear back from you and it brings me joy to know that things are turning around for you for the better and that you’re able to find a way out of those circumstances. Keep rocking and take care of yourself! 🙂
all my co-workers, are always gossiping about me, saying am feeling proud when I always thought am not..
I always wear single shirt and trouser just make ends meet, while they are busy buying all sorts of stuff with their money. but hence I don’t actually know my offences towards, maybe they thought about how much am earning and saving at the same time. infact, it’s tiring.
what should I do please??
Hey Isaac, hope you are well.
We cannot stop people from talking behind our backs, and often times we cannot please everybody. No matter what we do there will always be people who will not be pleased with us, and all we can do is to just accept it and let go of it. If them talking behind your back is not malicious (not harming your personal or professional life) then let be. Maybe they see you as more confident than themselves, or maybe they find you a bit different in terms of socializing. In any case, there is nothing wrong with you. You can try to socialize with them and participate a bit more in their conversations if you like. From personal experience, it happened to me several times when I’m not in a mood to talk or participate in a gathering and people automatically assumed me to be arrogant. By the end of the day, as long as I know I’m not being arrogant, that’s fine.
I find jealous people as a threat or nightmare in my personal life with relatives and professional life with co-workers for promotions. After reading your article, I have developed a good mindset towards these kind of people. Your article was concise and precise. Thank you so much for your article.
You’re very welcome! I’m really glad that it helped you change your perspective and approach towards jealous people 🙂
Too many of these steps are just giving the jealous person what they want and making people ignore their own worth or not even celebrate themselves. These made me angry. They are jealous, not an 8 year old kid still learning how to deal with their emotions.
What jealous people want is a reaction in most cases. If you’re gonna react, THEN you’ll be giving them what they want. I’m not sure how you got the impression of “ignoring your worth and not celebrating yourself”. I believe you didn’t read the full article. Half of the points I’ve made focuses on your own worth. Such as in point number 4 -“Address The Matter Head-on” (Confronting them directly and not taking their BS)— Point number 6 -“Limit Your Interaction With Them Or Remove Them From Your Life”— Point number 7 – “Know Who Is WORTH Your Time & Energy And Who Isn’t”—- Point number 8 – “Spend More Time & Energy On People Who Genuinely Like You” —
Yes, THEY ARE LIKE 8-YEAR-OLDS, they are emotionally immature. Now we have a choice, either we can spend our energy trying to correct them and teach them how to grow up, or we can deal with them in a simpler way that’ll require less of our energy and time.
This is so true. This was quite insightful
Thank you Ahmed Faraz Khan. This is wonderful. Please can you be a guest writer in my blog.
My pleasure 🙂 I don’t do guest writing but thanks for reaching out!
Assalamu Alaikum. Your article is a skillful one! Mashaaa Allah. I had enjoyed and learned aspects from it.
Now, I really wanted to know how to stay positive in front of jealous people. Personally , I am someone who tend to show if am not comfortable in mingling with someone. Although, with no means of hurting someone’s sentiments. The people tend to show care and affection but deep down inside isn’t happy with my accomplishments. Also, I would like to add comparison in every single thing and competitiveness is there for sure. It really feels bad if you have been always been their well-wishers.
Walaikumusalam wa Rahmatullah Farah,
Thanks for reading this guide. I hope it benefits you In-shaa-Allah.
There is no problem in showing if you aren’t comfortable in a particular situation. I would recommend (as I also did in the guide) that you identify such people who seem to feel insecure from your accomplishments and avoid telling them too much about the good happenings of your life. That’s the easiest and most straight forward way to go by it.
But there might be circumstances where they might know about your achievements, such as in work place or family, in that case all you can do is wish them well and stop caring about what they think or feel towards you. Let’s face it, the world is not an ideal, perfect place, you are going to encounter such people time and again, and often times all you can do is to simply let go and ignore. There might not be any problem on your side, it’s just that they might be facing their own internal insecurities and character weaknesses, in which case you can even empathize with from from heart and forgive them for their spiritual weakness.
Hope this helps you in some way, shape, or form.
May you be under the shade of the Almight.
Wow Amazing Post I Had Read So Many Articles On Jealousy And envy But This Article is Amazing and I’m happy to See a muslim guy do a great Job. My Brother very Good, Nice Article. Allah will give you more respect InshaAllah.
Thank you brother, really appreciate your kind words 🙂 Stay blessed!
I have a toxic family member, my sister-in-law who puts me down and always criticizes me. She’s so rude and arrogant, I cant totally cut her off because we are of the same workplace, same department. Recently, we had a fight at our department, and she said awful, negatives comments about me. What is the best thing to do? Thank you very much.
Here are a couple of things you can try:
1) Invite her for a coffee/lunch and see if she agrees to come. If so, discuss your concerns and ask if there is something that is bothering her. Talk in a very friendly and polite manner.
Now there can be 2 consequences to this. One, she might start complaining about all the problems she has with you. If so, listen to her patiently without interruption. Once she is done, ask her “How can we make our relationship better”
The other consequence might be, that she doesn’t say anything and tell you that she doesn’t have any issues.
In both cases, if things go well, there’s a chance that things might turn out better between the two of you. I’m saying this from experience. I’ve tried this strategy with a couple of people and they turned out to be good friends or at least peaceful acquaintances.
2) If this situation is affecting your personal and professional life too much, look towards switching jobs if you can, or changing the department. You don’t have to stay stuck at the same place, you can look into other options and choices. It might seem a bit of a hassle at the moment but might turn out a lot better for you in the long run.
Hope this helps.
Take care 🙂
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That is such a good contribution sir. I greatly appreciate it.
Im married seven years. All through my un married life I had to face either jealousy from people’s side or sometimes I must admit I also got jealous of a few people ( in my preteen years when I wasn’t so much aware of what this very painful feeling is coming from. And today I regret this because I know that girl from whom I felt jealous was in a tougher phase if life than mine. Any ways that was childhood.)
As I headed towards more sensitive years of my life. I read that jealousy was one of the traits that made Satan become Satan. And as I studied and went through the sermons and quotes of hazrat Ali regarding this. I was amazed and soon my perspective about people changed and then evolved over time.
Alhamdulillah I wasn’t jealous of anyone anymore. Even if I got hurt by my own shortcomings or say, about the designs of providence I made sure I wasn’t getting jealous. Normally I would reach out to the privileged or intelligent or nice people easily. They would befriend me n we stayed on nice terms for long.
I had reached a mental equilibrium where I knew I was blessed. And I wasnt thankful enough for this maybe.
Finally I got married.
And after a few months I came to a few conclusion about my in laws ( who are still my in laws). The conclusions weren’t from my side. Rather it was my husband who said this to me. He felt the need to open up n complain about the issue. He saud that his mother n his sister have got jealous of me. He said how he was reluctant to get married because he wanted to further his career n how they got him married without his total approval. I have been ignoring their jealousy n had been negating my instincts regarding me till tgat time. But that day I felt like I wasn’t wrong. They were actually harming n hurt g me to the extent that was noticeable by mu husband. And then the list soon included my brother in law. Then neighbours and everybody was saying they were jealous.
I trued to be nice but I was so empathetic I actually dropped down to their level. If they said something like ” ye dish ese nhi pakti”. Then I would start following them blindly despite being a home economist and being educated in religion and other fields. If you know about home economics then you must know they give tidbits of all good knowledge including psychology and tailoring and dyeing printing and child development and what not. But I was living my life as a dumb person just in order to gain some respect and accreditation from their side
That was no avail.
I kept being nice and as soon as so e other things were uncovered I started openly confronting them. I could minus them from my life.
My husband couldn’t compromise on them. When they couldn’t accredit me, they even were not accrediting my husband if he didn’t become violent toward me. N one day he said, ” apny papa k ghar chali jao, ye tumhy nhi rehny dyn gi.”
I’m still in the same marriage, I have three children. My husband ghosts me n kids now n then. My mil n sil are even more toxic than before. They never have to worry about bothering about me. No because I never gave them a tough time. I never used their shortcomings to argue over anything. I didn’t hit belie the belt by saying bad things about their personal lives. And I didn’t do anything like that except from justifying my own position and answering people about the false allegations that they made.
I m living at my parents place.
My husband doesn’t acknowledge me even as a person neither me, nor my parents, nor my children who are all below 6 years of age. He is not in contact and isn’t answering phones or messages. Although for face saving and trick playing he’s a pro at these things.
Nobody knows anything about his abusive behavior although there are loopholes in his behavior that make people think and in turn they come n ask me about whether there’s something wrong.
He hits below the belt.
He wasn’t like that before, he has become like this by time.
I’ve been subject to abuse physical too. Verbal n emotional in a manner I felt sorry when I couldn’t cover my elder child’s ears.
I need your suggestion.
I m sure he’s a patient my parents are sure he’s a patient but neither of us has any say.
He will never put himself under observation or enquiry. He knows there is a lot to be revealed. He thinks we will use the info for telling people about him. His fear is justified because his mother went to all the houses of galli and extended family to talk about how ill mannered and bad I m. She told tales and truths whatever but she did tell stuff about me everywhere. She created scenes everyday. Around food mostly. One thing I wasn’t really very good at was cooking traditional meals. So now he’s afraid that if any shortcoming from his side will be revealed we can use it and talk about it in the town. Although we aren’t such kind of people. We stayed quiet for three years in the beginning till his mother actually drove me outa house with my 4 mth old baby n just after I had a miscarriage and that time he ghosted my whole family. Rather I must say his whole family ghosted they were actually like as I’m they’ve gone down some dungeon. They couldn’t be reached out, they didn’t answer phone calls or messages and actually had went underground I must say. Also meanwhile they spread lies about me n my parents in their respective circles ( husband, mother in law sis in law brother in law and even father in law and sister in laws husband. All did this respectively.) the biggest lie was that we are demanding divorce. Which we weren’t..
They took away all my things and my baby’s stuff in my ab sense.
They my father in law died and I returned to my house myself. They misbehaved with me in death.
They misbehaved later. My husband didn’t acknowledge they took my belongings. They didn’t return everything.
Soon a drama was again played and again they called my father n sent me back. Then he ghosted for another two years.
They were all using their tongues and I was shut up in my patents house I didn’t have the courage to face the many questions and people’s negative behaviors. My mother also sometimes blamed me for everything that happened. I developed a condition that now I don’t know what it must be called my doctor diagnosed I had adjustment syndrome. I stayed on treatment and kept working in a school till finally one day my husband appeared in the scene. My parents let him come I was also tired of the backlash I faced after coming to parents home so I accepted the situation.
He kept on visiting and seeing my n my child for about three more years. During which I had two more kids. My husbands behavior wasn’t satisfactory during this time period as well. He came to visit n hence couldn’t be easily harsh due to my parents but I always felt rge threatening behavior of his. He said he was losing his cool. How long will this go?
When will you stand on your own two feet n things like that while practically all my expenses were being bore by my father including my psychological treatment. He didn’t go to psychologist even once despite that he called him several times. He didn’t show up. He wasn’t fulfilling anymore than fifty percent of my three children’s expenses either.
Finally cane in a turn when he had to take the four of us with him because his job was shifted to another city and he couldn’t switch the job either so he took us n my mil also cane along. There again she did the same mistreatment to me. She was doing things on purpose. Like she would snatch pillow from my 6 year old child n say he can sleep without this. Or show him some illicit movie on cable and then when I confronted she said ab bara hoga kahan kahan bacha logi.
This was out of control then one day I shouted over her n the next day she left for the home city.
Afterwards life become really crazy. My husband was more violent n insensitive than ever although he also used to ask for fancy food and made me feel sick by asking e to do more n more work, inside he got happy n relieved when I got tired or complained then he used to mock me and celebrate by saying look how pale you’ve got…
My child got an infection, he didn’t get him treated.
My younger one had vaccine due, he didn’t got her vaccinated.
He got him admitted in school but didn’t pay the fee.
He took me to my aunts home for my cuzs engagement who lived In another city but didn’t take me to the hospital when it was required.
He made go for suicide for about 3 times and made no attempt for saving me. Once I drank perfume and once I ate panadol. Both times aften listening to severe verbal abuse against my parents.
This was first time in our seven year married life that the two of us stayed under the same roof without any other adult on picture. After leaving of my mil. These 6 months were very troublesome. We never had alone time before, there always were 50 noses poking in our matters at a time all before this. I tried my level best to do good.
We came to the home city for vacation n seeing our families for just 20 days. I was against this homecoming as well but he’s always there to boss around. He throws tantrums and uses foul language n my helpless kids don’t even cry put of fear they just helplessly look at me. They don’t even know what is right n what is wrong. In the beginning the bigger boy used to cry but later he learnt how to creep behind the curtain. And my husband was volant at this too.
Here we stayed for twenty days during which my parents tried to get my child’s infection cured. It isn’t cured even now nd my husband has got back. It has been 2 months. He’s not answering calls, he’s not receiving messages. His colleagues have reported he’s comfortably at home enjoying meals from colleagues families. During these two months he never enquired about any of the children.
Now please suggest me is it OK to go back to this kind of a person?
Society’s backlash is again waiting to come. My in laws are keen in portraying things so is my husband.
I fear mostly about my innocent children. I feel so sorry I couldn’t give them a carefree happy childhood and I don’t think I can do a lot for them as a single mother in future either.
What exactly must I do?
Hope you are well. It’s a quite detailed matter so I’ve responded directly on your given email with some suggestions.
Hi I Came in here to read about jealousy as I am being myself abused by jealous people but your story about your 7 year marriage and your children has really impacted me I’d love to speak with you and maybe give you advice and hear mire about this, I am very sorry you are going through this and this is not the way you or your children deserve to be treated, I myself grew up in an abusive home and to this day I felt resentment for my mother because she didn’t leave my abusive father. I have some resources I’d like to connect you with, please respond back to me my email is [email protected] thank you and I wish you the best and again I’d love to connect with you and I will be praying for you and your children for God to make a way for you all.
thanks very. The information is helpful.
You’re most welcome 🙂
Thank you for your article. It was very informative. Please HELP, I think I have an envious neighbor! I moved into my new home 10 years ago. My next door neighbor and I have the same floor plan. EVERYTHING I have done to my house to date, and I mean EVERYTHING ….inside wall paint color, outside paint color scheme, furniture, my personal decorative style, she has copied from visiting my house. If I mention that I want to buy an item (refrigerator, stove, bedroom set) she always beats me to it and calls me to come over to check out what she just bought. She’s building a pool in her backyard and went as far as telling me that she wanted it exactly like mine, but that she couldn’t afford it. She compares our “financial “ statuses as being the same, when I know that it’s not true. She even changed her hair color to match mine. Everyone tells me to just brush it off, but I’ve noticed that her constant envy/jealousy has now affected my own confidence. I have found myself competing with her and feeling insecure whenever I’m around her. What the heck is going on with me, and why is her attitude affecting me so negatively when I have a million friends and I have never felt this way before? I love my house, but I feel like moving, so I can get my individuality back.
Hey, hope you are well.
I can somewhat relate to your experience as I have had a couple of such people in my life. It wasn’t to the extent as in your case, but I do get how it can mess with the head. I would suggest creating some distance and setting some boundaries. Don’t hang out with her too much and don’t tell her all your intentions and plans. Be a bit reserved in your interactions and see if she respects your boundaries and distance.
People with good self-respect usually respond well to other’s boundaries and respect the distance. It can take some time for them to accept the change in your boundaries and personal space though.
Given the fact that she’s been your close neighbor for so many years, I can also understand that it could be hard for you to create distance, in which case, if you feel like moving from your current house and you are financially capable to do that, then I think you should. There’s no point in living in a place by choice if it disturbs your inner peace. Do what you have to do for your well-being.
Another suggestion would be to take a break if you can and go somewhere else for sometime, maybe on a vacation. This will REALLY help you clear your mind and process your thoughts and emotions about the whole situation. Sometimes when we are stuck in the middle of something, we are unable to think clearly and process our feelings and thoughts, and they continue to get stacked up to the point of overwhelm.
This break will allow you to come to sound conclusions and decisions. Maybe after processing things thoroughly, you might be able to let go of the bothering thoughts and feelings, and make peace with this whole situation, and eventually it stops bothering you. Yep, this is also a possibility. Sometimes just going away and taking a break can work like magic and shift our entire outlook and thought process about things.
Hope this helps.
I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW IF ITS JEALOUSY OR WHAT MY COUSIN ALWAYS WANTS TO SEE IF SHE CAN DO BETTER THAN ME EVEN WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS, IF MY BF WILL COME TO VISIT SHE WILL FIX HER SELF FOR HIM TO SEE HER OR SHE WILL MAKE SURE THAT HE NOTICE HER …I hurts me
Hey Zen, hope you’re doing well. This does seem like subtle signs of jealousy or probably insecurity. Try talking to her about it in a calm but serious manner, or simply just create some distance and some firm boundaries. Often, the best way to deal with jealous people is to simply distance yourself from them or remove them completely from your life (depending on who you’re dealing with and if that is possible for you).
Speaking from experience, a jealous and/envious person tend to take a step further by deliberately doing something to cause harm to the person whom they are jealous/envious of when they are being ignored or distant …possibly either they want a reaction or they want to “fix” the person (victim)they are jealous of. What do you suggest the victim do?
Hello Raudhah. It is preferred to distance yourself in a way that is seamless and non-offensive instead of coldly ignoring (if you are worried about the consequences of what that person might do in return). However, you’ll still have to be patient with this process as it might not be smooth and you will have to let go of the initial acts and gestures of that envious person who might be trying to get a reaction out of you. You mentioned the term “victim”, I would suggest approaching the situation from a confident and warrior/”victor” mentality. That will get you into a much more resourceful state. You’ll be operating from a place of power, assertiveness, and confidence, instead of fear and anxiety, as in the case of having a victim mindset. Hope this helps!
Your article, your responses r just so easy to understand, meticulous and kind. Keep up the good work. I stumbled upon this page but I am now a fan!
Keep writing for I know i will keep visiting.
Thank you for such a kind and generous comment. It made my day 🙂 I’m deeply grateful for the opportunity to serve. More articles (and videos on YouTube) are coming soon! Wishing you health and wellness. God bless!
Thank you for the advice that i got here, i am carrying now the burden of being jealous by my colleagues, my workplace is uneasy to for me to do my job because of these toxic people, i tried my best to be courageous and nice to them but no effect, i think i should start to value myself first and stop stressing myself on how to deal with their envious attitude, this articles give me a lot of information and enlightened me, thank you very much to the author😊
Hey Phoebe, you’re most welcome! and Yes absolutely! Your well-being always comes first. Caring less about such people and distancing yourself from them is often the simplest and most effective way to deal with jealous friends or co-workers. I’m glad this article was beneficial for you.
Wishing you health and happiness 🙂
what if jealous people play an important role in my life? they are my family members and their behaviour play important role in my life. their good behaviour makes me happy and harsh behaviour makes me leave sad all day. i tried alot to change them but couldn’t.. i can’t leave them and have no other option than interacting with them all day…
Hi, wishing you health and wellness.
Dealing with jealous family members can be particularly challenging, especially if you live with them. One thing to remember is that we might not be able to change other people’s behavior or actions, but what we can change is our take on it, how we handle them.
When you live with jealous and insecure people, it can take a toll on your moods and emotions. In that case, it’s really important to emotionally detach yourself from them a bit, in the sense that your moods don’t depend on their actions and behaviors. I know it can seem a bit hard to do, but it’s possible with persistent and conscious effort (apply some of the steps in this guide while dealing with those jealous family members).
Begin to shift your focus and your energy towards more positive things. Interact more with positive people, be it your friends or neighbors. Spend more of your time in creative, indulgent activities. Soon you’ll find that even though those same people are still in your life, their impact on you has started to grow less and less by the day.
I have this friend in school then we were so close. I started disliking her though I can’t remember why but we split and she went on to find another friend. I was hurt at first because I felt I was used. Suddenly I stopped talking to her and she never asked me why. Ah won’t talk to me in school but when I come home she would want to hang out. I was with her through some rough times but she wasn’t with me through mine. She would lie about her lifestyle so I was furious and started gossiping about her telling people am she says are lies. I don’t know what came over me to do that. I don’t even gossip. I guess she found out and she started putting me at arms length. I just wish she sat me down and talk to me like a true friend would. I normally see her online and when I do I just feel this pain in my heart I cant describe. Shes happy and I think I’m jealous that she is because she now treats me like a stranger. She doesnt like having long talks with me anymore. I’m just exausted. Please advice me on what to do.
I hope you are well. Thanks for leaving a comment and sharing your experiences. Sometimes in life, we meet people that we like, that might bring us joy apparently, but they are not meant for us. I can totally relate to your experience because I too have been through a somewhat similar experience. I know how that feels. I know that pain. But that’s the reality of life and sometimes you’ve gotta let go of people and move on, or else if you try to stick on to them it will get worse and worse, and it will breed toxicity and jealousy. You mentioned “true friend”, maybe she isn’t your true friend. Sometimes we are too generous in categorizing people and giving them space in our hearts, but the other person might not hold you in the same high value and importance that you are giving them within your heart. You asked my advice, so I sincerely advise you to move on from her. There are a lot of great people out there to make friends, and you’ll probably find “true friends” that’ll be there for you in your tough times and deeply care for you. I’ll advise you to Find your own happiness, your happiness shouldn’t be so dependent upon a friend. I hope this helps 🙂